I discovered this church a few weeks ago after walking seventeen hours through the woods. The reason it's light out is because I started my journey in the dead of night. My religion permits me to use only Kodak 400 C-41 Black and White film with my Nikon FM-10. These particular pictures were taken with my 24mm Nikkor. I feel like Ansel Adams!


ISIS will be in Buffalo tomorrow, and I've been showing off my ticket to pretty much everyone I see. Some chick got super impressed and thought I was referring to Osiris' wife when I told her. What an idiot she was. Shoe companies can't have wives! Then again she probably thought I was talking about Ol' Dirty Bastard (RIP). Oh well. You can never tell with kids these days.

Back to business. If you haven't figured it out already, Spring Break 2006 has ended. I resumed working this past Monday, heavy hearted and full of sorrows. A pretty lame week but none of that matters cause it's FRIDAY, Cuzz!!!!

Gonna get TORE UP!

That's what I'm saying, Bro's.

Last Saturday I saw that Silent Hill movie. Borrrring. The whole time I couldn't help but think of better video games to model movies after. Why are they always the shooter games??? I was thinking they could make a movie about Galaga. It would star Will Smith as the president of the U.S.A. and he'd also be the nation's top pilot. And the movie would open on him and the First Lady (Halle Berry) hanging out, barbecuing on the White House lawn. Will's drinking a cold one, smoking a fat cigar, while Halle sunbathes topless when, out of nowhere, this swarm of alien battleships fill the sky. Buildings start blowing up, fires break out, people are screaming and running around on fire. (EVERY MOVIE NEEDS AT LEAST ONE PERSON RUNNING AROUND ON FIRE.) So Will sees all this, the cigar drops from his mouth and he says, "Awwww hell naw. Not in my backyard."
Right there you know shit is gonna go down.
Next scene: Will gets briefed on how these "alien bastards" are from the Galagan Galaxy and that they really hate freedom. For billions of years they've combed the universe wiping out societies where citizens have the right to pursue happiness. Will is told that these "alien bastards" don't even know how to smile. He starts gnashing his teeth and clenching his fists so you can tell how upset he is. "But there is hope..." they tell him.
The CIA inform Will that years and years ago, a training program was created in case of such an emergency. At first he gets mad because he's the boss of America and should know everything, but then his men tell him that he's known about it all along. They then produce a copy of GALAGA, and Will looks at them, tilts his head, squints, and says, "WHAAAA??????"
"That's right Sir. Galaga. Originally intended as a Defense Training Program, Galaga was released as a video game after Japanese spies broke into the Pentagon" they say.
Will is silent and then responds with a hushed, "Well I'll be damned." After a quiet pause he asks, "So what are we going to do?" And then his men say, "The only thing we can do."
Cut to an arcade in Upstate New York.
It's a cloudy day in late April and you see a handsome young man wearing gloves with the fingers cut off step out of a building adorned with neon lights. He leans against the wall with one foot, cups his hands to his mouth, and lights a smoke. It's me. A child runs up asking for my autograph, and hands me a piece of paper. I accept it and then, with my cigarette, I set fire to it. That shows how badass and apathetic I am. I tell the kid to scram and continue smoking.
All of a sudden black cars circle me, a helicopter swoops above, and bullhorns are commanding that I approach them with my hands up. I stand still. They repeat their orders. Finally, I take my last drag and toss the smoke. Thinking I've been set up, I walk toward the cars and say, "Fuckin' kids."
Once in custody I'm all like, "I got rights you know. This is America!" and all that other tough stuff regular joes say when they've been apprehended. I ask what reason they have for arresting me and the G men tell me to shut up. After what seems like an eternity, an officer grabs me, leads me into a room with no windows, and throws me in. He shuts the door and I start banging on it until I hear a voice from behind telling me to cut out all the racket.
I respond with a "Why don't you kiss my a----" and that's when I see the man behind the voice is Will Smith, president of the United States of America. Thinking on my feet I finish the question, "k-k-iss my aunt? She's a huge fan of yours, M-M-Mr. President, sir." Will tells me to sit down. I ask what this is all about. He tells me all about the Galagan Galaxy, their hatred of freedom, how they're attacking us, and that besides him I'm the only hope for this country, and then he asks me if I'll do my duty as a citizen and answer the call.
I don't say a word. I just stare at the floor but also through the floor. Real intense scene. Again Will asks, "Are you in?"
I look him straight in the eye and say, "You bet your ass I am."
He nods, "Damn right."
Then there should be a montage of me playing Galaga, first making it to like level eight, failing, and getting real mad. But then as it continues I get awesome and make it to level twenty without even dying. Inspring music plays. Then Will starts practicing Galaga and totally smokes dudes. The montage lasts five minutes and ends with both Will and I blowing up those jerk-off red moth ships.
The CIA dudes watch our progression through one of those double-sided mirrors, and after conferring with each other say , "I think they're ready." Cut to Will and I strapped into a fancy looking spaceship, ready to blast off into oblivion. We look at each other, touch fists and Will says to me, "Solid." Next thing you know we're flying through outer-space with stars whizzing by us. But then we come up on a fleet of alien spacecraft.
I figure to keep production costs down we insert actual game footage here and then put vocal tracks over it. Will and I will shout things like, "YEAH!" "GOOD SHOOTIN' MAN!!" "Wow, that was close!" "Hey watch out!" "Take that, Alien Bastards!" and other really exciting phrases. After a half hour's worth of that kind of action the audience will probably need a rest, so we'll make it to the mothership and blow that bitch to smithereens. I'll high-five Will and he'll yell something like, "Let's bring this Bad Boy home!!"
Back on Earth there will be a huge celebration at McDonalds and everyone will eat Freedom Fries. I'll stand alongside the President as he speaks to the nation saying, "Today we have won a great war. Freedom---1. The Galagans---0. So let's all rejoice and eat Freedom Fries."
The crowd cheers. Halle Berry walks over (topless) and I say to Will, "Yeeeeowza, look at that Hot Mama." He cold cocks me saying, "That's my woman you're talking about."
Roll credits.