The Legend Of Mayor McGonnigel

Mayor McGonnigel was elected one May--a most surprising outcome that day.
His name?
Added to the ballot as a joke
As constituents pleaded and hoped,
the man who held office get kicked out by their votes.

His term riddled with flaws, they chose the candidate with paws.
You see, Gunther McGonnigel was no man at all
but really just a dog.
Boisterous laughter filled every booth
Signalling which person the voters did choose.
And they all had a laugh when they fired the man
who made their fair city a wasteland.

At the inaugural ball, they did all but weep
As the announcer called upon Gunther to speak
But they dropped their jaws, their hearts went pause
When words from his snout did creak

His voice was gruff, annunciations rough but what he had to say was clear.
As they listened sweat glistened; joviality gave way to fear.

"It is a must you pour forth your trust
For if this city is to again be attractive
new laws (though drastic) must be enacted.
Like crystal, clear is my vision, not hazy.
Listen closely, don't think me crazy.

"Introductions were once a pain
But with I as your mayor they'll never be again.
Forget the awkward hellos and goodbyes
Along with the discomfort of making eyes.
So I announce this plan
For every woman, child, dog, and man.
Regardless whether you're purebred or mutt
First things first......

SNIFF BUTTS.

At this the crowd shuttered
While some inaudibly uttered
Cries of disgust
For this
Among others
Was the first topic discussed.
They whispered,
"What's next?"
"We're vexed!" and
"Could it get any worse?"
When from the podium came a bark...
Like that
Their lips pursed.

"Silence!" growled Gunther,
"I'm sure your questions are more than a few.
Bear with me. We must continue.
On our list of troubles,
Next in line,
Comes a mandate banishing all felines.
On all fours run them out of doors!
When outside chop down trees where they hide!
Grab by their tail and spin till they wail!
Sneak up from behind and when they meow....1....2....POW!
I assure you
To benefit this city
We must be rid of every single kitty."

Overcome with grief
Not one person managed to speak
In between this pause
But what all had hoped for,
Secretly, silently wished for,
Was some kind of impeachment clause.

"Now that I have your attention
Let us talk about protection.
Around the perimeter of this fine town
Crime is up to the hilt
If you wish for this to go down
A massive fence must be built.
Then, when fiends try sneaking in at night
Their welcome will be quite a fright.
Our posted guards won't say,
'Hark, who goes there?'
Instead they'll bark
Till the intruders need new underwear.
Yes, bark!
Yip, snarl, snap, growl, roar,
Stranger danger stomped out
With the fierce ferocity
Of a wild boar
BUT
If, once in,
You find that stranger's a citizen
Of this here city
drop trow and get your noses shitty.
Only then may you let him pass,
However, if you feel sick after sniffing an ass
Go ahead, sit down,
Eat some grass."

"I will never!" cried the reverend.
"Is this a sick joke?" asked the cop. (Shaking as he spoke)
"This is absurd!" wrote the poet. (Glad he found the right word)

With more and more spectators taking the floor
Mayor McGonnigel found it difficult to be heard.
Wishing to avoid a major incident
Gunther flashed his teeth.
Just like that,
The dissidents found their seats.

"Spare me your quips, complaints, and retorts.
I have one last subject on which to report;
Please be patient, time is short.
I understand
Some may ask
If I think it important
To protect the environment.
My answer?
VERY.
That's why
Our next topic will concern toilets
And all things sanitary.
So. What should you do if,
After one too many sips of Yuengling
You stumble to the bar bathroom
Only to find a row of young saplings?
Well as they say in France,
'Unzip your pants and water the plants!'
In an effort to curb the spread of disease
All urinals shall be replaced with trees.
Thus reducing
The amount of pollutants
Found in our sewage."

And before he could say any more Gunther was interrupted.
(Apparently, his bitch mother had been abducted)
Rushed offstage
His bodyguards
Took him away.
And though his speech had come to an end
There was no closure;
his listeners just sat scratching their heads.

So to this day
The once hallowed city
Falls further into disarray;
Its streets filled with hoodlums
Nose deep in each other's bums;
Overpopulated
By obese rats (fat from a complete lack of cats);
Habitants comment, lament, about how much they pay in tax
Forgetting the tourists they alienate
Afraid of getting attacked;
And the bathrooms?
They stink!
No one pees on the trees but instead in the sink!

What a cruel trick!
Executed, brought about, by that jerk of a dick
Who some call a man;
The ex-mayor
Who made their fair city a wasteland.
Nothing to it,
Just a robotic puppet
With microphone and receiver equipped,
Shaped in the form of a dog
Before an imbecile crowd
Ready to swallow bullshit.

And there you have, in full, the legend of Mayor McGonnigel