I have a really sweet shirt that reads: GOT YOUR TICKETS? TO THE GUN SHOW, and under the latter half of that statement are arrows pointing to my arms. Only on special occasions do I bust that shirt out, for example, like when I wanna get laid or something. Well it goes without saying that this past Friday was a special occasion. My friends and I went to a backwoods bar which reaked of dead fish and chicken soup body odor. Exactly the type of place one goes to when looking to get laid.
So we got there and I took the best seat (the one next to the kegs) and within five minutes, the Budweiser tap goes empty. BUZZKILL. Of course I could have just as easily ordered a Labatt but I'm an American and I only drink alcoholic beverages that support freedom. I didn't have to worry though, because the barmaid was quick on her feet and ordered a fresh keg to replace it.
In walks Steve Austin's twin brother, STONE COLD PETE AUSTIN. I shouldn't say "walk" because it was more of an exercise mixed with a chant; Stone Cold Pete barged through the employee's doors, swinging his arms over his head as he advanced. Left foot step, left arm over head, right foot step, right arm over head. All this while grunting, "HOOGUH-CHAKKA!! HOOGUH CHAKKA!!" At the bar he unscrewed the empty keg, but something went wrong and the bar, along with myself, was sprayed with beer foam. The barmaid apologized for any inconvenience, however I wasn't bothered; in fact I was living in a dream come true. Fast forward a few minutes and Stone Cold Pete returns with a full keg of Budweiser. I swear at that moment heavenly choirs sat upon my shoulders and sang sweet songs of alcoholic bliss in my ears. I'm not sure if I had one already but at that moment I grew a stiff one, if you know what I mean.
So, Stone Cold Pete starts attaching the tap to the keg and makes some comment about beer spraying everywhere. I tell him not to worry about it, and that should any beer start spraying at me, I'll just tip my pint glass in that direction. There was no hint of mockery or sarcasm in my voice as I said this; I was being cordial, conversational, and attempting a light joke.
It wasn't perceived like that. Stone Cold Pete gave me a glowering glare, a look that was both hard as stone and cold as ice, (like frozen granite, perhaps?) and said, "Stone Cold Pete no think funny. Stone Cold Pete believe in paying for beer."
Immediately, I realized I had offended a celebrity's relative and was a bit downtrodden. To make up for my faux pas I sat at the bar and slugged more pints. After I finished fifty or so, I walked over to the billiards room where the rest of my entourage was. Little did I know, Stone Cold Pete was in there as well, showing off his pool skills. He came over to me, pointed at my arms and said, "You call those guns? Looks more like a .22 and a BB gun."
Since I'm a straight man I can't say I know too much about guns, but given the context of what he said and how he said it, I knew I had just been insulted. Without giving me time to respond, Stone Cold Pete walked off laughing and grunting, "HOOGUH-CHAKKA!! HOOGUH-CHAKKA!!" simultaneously.
Now I don't know about you, but when I'm drunk and someone insults me, it's PAYBACK TIME. Here's what I did. I sat at the bar and thought to myself, "Alright Dragonfly, if I were Stone Cold Pete Austin and I worked at a bar, what would my job duties include?" That's when I saw a mop and bucket in the corner and knew exactly what must be done. I sought out Stone Cold Pete and apologized for my earlier comments, told him I was a custodian and that I'd make it up to him by cleaning up the joint before closing time. He was cool with it, shook my hand, and I began mopping.
Here's the genius part: I didn't actually clean anything!!!!!!!!!
I filled the bucket with sink water, no detergent or nothing, just water and mopped; the whole time yelling things like, "Oh baby, this floor is gonna shine!" and "Wow! I think I can see my reflection! This floor is soooo clean! Can you believe it?" After that I went into the bathroom. You know what I did there?
I peed without flushing!
A prank like that wouldn't go unnoticed too long so I convinced my friends to get the hell out of there and fast! We piled into Earl's cousin's car and burned rubber.
Boy I tell ya, that Sone Cold Pete Austin sure is a fuckin' idiot.