Nature is awesome. Sometimes I find myself yearning to be in the woods because it feels so...so...natural. For that reason Earl, Raenisha, Groff and I took a hike through a forest today. The sun was shining, birds were tweeting, a summer breeze was blowing, and Groff was crouched behind a pine, crapping. Raenisha called him a "dirty white boy," which could have been trouble had he not been so convinced she was referencing Foreigner, but instead of being offended Groff just broke into song. Talk about a close call.
We had been walking for fifteen minutes or so when Earl spotted something moving behind a patch of trees. Being the brave soul he is, Earl decided to inspect the situation. Well, wouldn't you know he found none other than a full grown bear? Groff leaned close to me and whispered, "Oh my God dude, it's Big Foot!" If I hadn't grabbed his arm, he most likely would've run off screaming. Very quickly, Earl turned toward the three of us, finger over his mouth, and silenced the group. Kneeling down, he searched the ground for a projectile and, having found a large rock, proceeded to speak in hushed tones. He said, "listen guys, the key to survival is to wound the animal in such a place that it will think twice before even attacking." We nodded. He continued, "that's why I'm going to peg that little bitch of a beast right in the mouth. She'll be in so much pain, she won't be able to eat us, or anything else, for months."
It sounded like a good plan, but then I asked, "what if it just makes her super angry?"
Earl shot a look in my direction, making me feel like an idiot and asked, "what, you think she's going to claw me to death? Stop watching so much TV, stupid." Then he landed that rock square on the bear's mouth.

I got back from Intensive Care an hour ago, and Earl's doing much better than we thought he would. After the doctors bandaged him up, I tried getting Earl to see the bright side of things by telling him it's much better to have three fingers than none, but I don't think it worked too well. Thankfully, Raenisha will be at his bedside all night comforting him in his hour of need. So I ask those of you out there reading this to send Earl your deepest condolences for him to read when the hospital releases him.
Man, if there's anything I learned today, it's that bears are a far worse threat than any of us could ever imagine.