It's funny because it's true!!!!!

Earlier tonight I was buying some beer (MALT LIQUOR) when the cashier noted one of the cans was dented.

She brought this to my attention, asking if it mattered to me.

"No, not at all" I replied nonchalantly, trying to scoot out of there before the person I'd gone to high school with noticed I was getting boozy on a weeknight.

"It all tastes the same, right?"

"Yeah," I said, "It all smells the same the next morning, too."



She saw my wink and raised it one grimace.

In high school I was given title
Of Varsity Captain
For wrestling with my inner demons.
But I lost the belt
In a fit of self-doubt.

My therapist told me that if I’m to deal with my porn addiction I should start a “Masturbation Journal” chronicling every time I touch myself.

It sounds like a good idea in theory, but really I’m having a HARD time COMING to GRIPS with it.

I LOVE YOU BUT YOU'RE BRINGING ME DOWN.

Penn Station, New York City.

A portly black woman had just yelled at me for not knowing what the hell she was talking about.

I was standing on line waiting to hear anything regarding the delayed train I was supposed to take and stretching my calves, just for the hell of it, when a cutie patootie walked up and asked what I was doing.

So I told her.

Turns out we were to board the same train whenever the hell it arrived and that was that, but until then who knows what was gonna happen and for how long we'd be there!

She confided in me this was her first time alone in the city and I could see she was flustered with the delay.

Truth be told it was my first time as well but having just gone toe to toe with a couple Latin Kings on the sub ride over I was feeling refreshed; spritely, some might say.

So standing around in a line was no big whoop so long as I got to stretch my calves every now and then.

After exchanging pleasantries I offered my travel companion services in exchange for some "face time" along the way.

Now I'm not the kind of guy to judge someone as melodramatic, but her running for the exit while shrieking was a bit much.

And I felt awful when the cop with the K-9 tackled her.

So much so that standing in line afterward was a total drag; listening to everyone's complaints boiled my blood.

I mean, we were all going to reach our destination eventually.

We would all meet our families safely.

It's just that some of us weren't gonna get it wet.

Me being one of them.

That's why I slapped the broad who referred to our experience as "traumatic."

After that I snuck off into the bathroom and touched It.

Then I took a good long nap and had fanciful dreams.

I love New York.

The day you broke my heart I found my first grey pube.

Coincidence?



I think not.